There is No Defense For Chaos

"You're being unreasonable," I declared. My voice was not raised, though the exasperation was evident. That was the last sentence I got out before the macaroni and cheese hit me in the face.

Fortunately, that was the worst part about baby-sitting my two-year old niece this week. You can read as many books as you can, grill as many parents as you know, and watch as many DVDs and television programs you have time for, but nothing will prepare you for being a parent like babysitting. And by "will prepare you," I mean, "will make you realize how ill prepared you are."

I'm actually playing it off far worse than it was - for myself, my niece, and my wife - but the exchange above, the macaroni incident, highlighted something that I've neglected to consider: it is nearly impossible to have a logical conversation with an illogical child.

What brought that epiphany to light was actually chocolate milk. Carrying my niece in my arms, I was getting something out of the fridge when, spying her sippy cup, she requested chocolate milk. Thing is, that sippy cup had regular milk in it. Her chocolate milk was already out on the table. For a split second, I was about to be Awesome Uncle and hook her up with her chocolate milk. But two different cups with two different milks was too much for my niece to comprehend at the moment and, after trying to explain the situation to her, and steer her away from the regular milk in the fridge, finally exclaimed, "You're being unreasonable!" My words must have shook her, because she tossed her pacifier in my general direction, which landed on a fork, which Mouse Trapped into half a bowl of macaroni flying in my general direction.

Now, the situation isn't nearly as dramatic as I've described it and both my niece and I moved on better people. She was calling for me to sit next to her and read stories just minutes later. But it made me realize that I've spent years trying to form logical arguments, and now I have to prepare for just the opposite.

My Lovely Wife is an attorney. She's a damn good attorney, too. Her mind, her mentality, her inherent logical thinking has put her in a position to be atop her chosen field in due time. Also, it means I have never, ever won an argument. I resigned myself to that a while back, but have been trying to fortify any position with my own brand of logic, in a desperate attempt to win any small concession. And now I have to change up my style again.

Practicing logical reasoning and critical thinking is no match for a child who wants that milk, right now. Oh, and that 2% milk better be chocolate by the time it hits her lips.

I may have to mount a different offensive in my rhetorical battle, but the outcome will still be the same. I'll never win an argument with any female in my family.