A Bad Precedent

Tiger Woods is in my town today. And if not today, then by tonight, he will. The first AT&T National golf tournament, to benefit Tiger's foundation, is being held in Bethesda, Maryland through July 7. All the golfniks in town are in a tizzy and Tiger's been on the front page of the sports section from the last few days.

Now, I want to phrase this next point correctly, without room for misinterpretation or room for error: Tiger Woods may be a gigantic ass who has set a dangerous precedent in his marriage and as a father. Yeah, that came out right.

Listen, I'm as judgmental as the next guy. I cast stones, I do. I, admittedly, am reacting viciously to media reports and television updates. But this is what I have learned in the past 24 hours.

Tiger's wife, Elin, was admitted to the hospital on the eve of the U.S. Open golf tournament. Tiger participated in said golf tournament while his wife was in the hospital with "non-life threatening" conditions. Tiger finished second in the U.S. Open, working four consecutive days while his wife was in the hospital experiencing complications preceding the birth of their first child. Tiger arrived at the hospital in time to witness his daughter's birth by C-section at 1:30 in the morning on Monday.

Let's cut out the chaff and bullshit of the previous paragraph. Tiger Woods' eight-month pregnant wife is admitted to the hospital on a Wednesday. Thursday morning, Tiger goes to work 1,500 miles away, spending four days away from his wife. Tiger shows up on Sunday night and his wife has a C-section.

You could call that good timing, I call it a bad precedent.

Tiger, if there is one thing that I have learned over the past seven months, is it that your priorities are no longer what they were. And never will be again. Think of your wife and daughter as "heatseekers" on the Billboard chart of your like. Coming out of nowhere, these two have vaulted over chart mainstays like Cadillac and AT&T to the number one and two positions where they will remain. Forever.

I do not doubt that Tiger and Elin had many conversations about his participation in the U.S. Open. I am sure that all factors were considered - from sponsorship obligations to media perception. And, according to this article, Elin encouraged Tiger to "go get a 'W'" and she could wait to deliver. But Tiger, guess what? She didn't mean it. And you should know better.

No doubt the doctors told Tiger and Elin that she was in no imminent danger and that she could wait four or five days before a C-section was necessary. But this isn't like the weekend before a wedding. You can't go out and play golf for four days while your wife is laid up in the hospital, eight months pregnant.

Tiger Woods has more money than Richie Rich, controls his media like he lives in Soviet Russia, and commands more attention than the drunk sorority girl who "forgets" to put underwear on before her formal. And now, he is completely owned by his wife. Elin has this on you now, Tiger, and she will likely never let you forget it.

Over time, as little Sam grows older, the story will mutate. Sure, it will start with "daddy went to work while mommy was in the hospital," but that will soon change. Eventually, daddy will have sent mommy in a cab to the hospital, while daddy flew to Oakmont via Vegas, drinking and carousing before blowing his shot to win a major tournament on the inspiration of his daughter.

The Tiger Woods Foundation does tremendous work. The man and his charitable organization are responsible for some admirable philanthropic efforts across the country. But charity, as they say, begins at home. And Tiger has set a bad precedent. Control access and the media all you want, Mr. Woods, but this is going to be hard to spin in your favor.

Tiger's Cub, An Indecent Proposal Thwarted

I had this post’s outline already complete in my head. It was going to be brilliant. It was going to be self-promoting. It was going to be the first time I blatantly sold out my daughter for personal and (hopefully) financial gain. Then, it all came crashing down.

You see, Tiger Woods became a father on Monday. First of all, congratulations to the happy couple and Tiger, welcome to the Varsity Dad club. I hope that you have as strong a relationship with your child as you so clearly do with your mother and your late father.

After dispensing with the pleasantries in an open letter to Tiger and Elin, I would get to the heart of my correspondence. My daughter will be born in August and, after listing numerous reasons why, I was set to offer her hand in matrimony to Tiger and Elin’s newborn, Sam. Yes, I know it’s a bit early and that arranged marriages aren’t in vogue in the United States, but like bell bottoms and rotary phone ringtones, everything comes back in style at some point.

I have a good list of reasons, some serious, some funny, some absurd. And I was ready to send off my note of congratulations, along with my “sales pitch”, to the happy couple until I re-read the news item. Apparently, if Lefty and Sam marry, it will only be in Massachusetts. Sam Woods is a girl. Sam Alexis Woods, to be proper. Sam. Short for…Sam.

Now, I have nothing against the name Sam (What’s up, Sammy C?), nor do I have anything against the name Samantha. But when you start crossing common gender lines with names, it begins to bother me a bit. My wife and I recently had a discussion on this topic regarding one of our potential baby names. We liked the “shortened” form of this name, which would then be a traditional boy’s name. We ultimately ditched that name, but I was reminded of that conversation when hearing the news of Tiger’s baby.

I’m not surprised that Tiger pulled something like this, I mean, his given name is Eldrick, for goodness sakes. It might be tough for little Sam - many kids will get teased for having unusual names, and I’m sure Sam Woods will be no different. Granted, many kids don't have a mother who a Swedish model and a father is richer than chocolate soufflé, but still.

I just wish I knew all of this before I started poring over my assets for the dowry.

How To Properly Trash-Talk a Baby

Congratulations to blogger, basketball player, and all-around lovable scamp Gilbert Arenas. The Washington Wizard's second child, Alijah Amani Arenas, was born this week in Walnut Creek, California. In true Gilbert style, he has already laid down some smack to his infant son.

I’m very excited...I was talking a little trash to him already. I told him
hopefully he darkens up a little bit, because he was a little light in the skin.
Then I told him he needs to watch the movie 300, because he needs to be a
Spartan type of man.

While it's not unusual for a new father to impart his wisdom, hopes, and dreams softly into a newborn's ear, Gilbert's trash talk takes it to a whole new level. Maybe this will become the new trend in parenting - encouraging development through heckling.

• "You call that a cry for attention? I've heard elderly sheep that make more noise!"
• "What's the matter? You want something? Well, you better go get it yourself. What's that? You can't walk? Can't even crawl? Sucks to be you."
• "Finish that bottle...Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"
• "You got so much baby fat, we don't have baby pictures, we got baby murals!"
• "Your momma...." Well, on second thought, maybe I should lay off the baby momma jokes

Many kudos to you, Gilbert, on the new arrival. Kudos, also, for being at the birth in person. I'm not sure what you would have done had the Wizards not been on a West Coast road trip, but that point is moot. One question, though. Why do you want your son to be a "Spartan type of man"? I always thought you'd want more of a Wildcat.

An(other) Open Letter To Tom Brady

Dear Tom:

Dude.

I got nothing.

Seriously, two chicks in four months?

Sorry man, I got nothing.

Best,

SteveJeltzFan

An Open Letter to Tom Brady

Dear Tom,

So, you are going to become a father. Congratulations. No matter what happens over the next few months, don't lose sight of the fact that bringing a baby into this world is a blessed event. Since you're as Catholic as a Friday-night fish fry, I'm guessing you already know this.

I don't want to stoop down to the level of celebrity gossip, even if you and your baby momma (this hot woman) split up before knowing you conceived, and you're traipsing around with this hot woman.

Reading over the media reports one thing sticks out to me: Whether Bridget was knowingly trying to get pregnant or not, it seems you were not.

Now, I don't know much about reading a Cover 2 defense, having sex with models, or how to properly care for a cleft chin, but I know a little bit about reacting to an unexpected pregnancy.

And Tommy, since it appears my wife is hours, possibly even a few days more pregnant than your baby momma, I'm clearly the veteran expert - you can learn from me. Let me walk you through the Five Stages of Becoming an Unexpected Father.

1. Denial - This is a common first reaction for most men, and even some women. Myself, I wasn't assured that my wife was pregnant until a doctor said so. The last thing you need as you entered the NFL stretch drive was news that Bridget's knocked up. If I were you, I would have simply brushed it off as a biological oddity, convincing myself that a period was just around the corner. Of course, you are Tom Brady, your spirals cut through double covers, zones, and avoid blitzing linebackers. There is no defense for your sperm when an egg is in sight. You can deny all you want, but it looks like you saved some energy for...

2. Anger - So, she's three months along, which takes us back to late November or December for conception. No need to get upset, Tom, I mean, what the hell else is there to do when you're cooped up at her parent's house over Thanksgiving weekend? Looking at the Patriot's schedule, I'm guessing she told you sometime before you were shut out 21-0 by the Dolphins on December 10. It's hard to be in denial and concentrate on game film - hell, I had to rewind The Office to make sure I got all the jokes - but it looks like you slipped into anger by the next game.

3. Bargaining - If you are anything like me Tom, you've made many a deal in your head with your God: "I'll never drink/smoke/eat the Sunday Sushi Special again" if you could just feel better. And facing an unexpected pregnancy, I was no different. But believe me, no matter how many times you promise to use birth control as properly intended (but I need something to make water balloons NOW, I told myself - I can always buy more later), there's no deal that can get you out of this.

4. Depression - This can manifest itself in many ways, Tom, and frankly, I think you're stuck in this one. I found myself distracted at work, overeating and generally not caring about my physique. I'm a bit worried that you are shirking your professional obligations in Hawaii for golf at Pebble Beach and have been cavorting with models. Remember, Tom, no matter how good you think you feel on the outside, it's how you feel on the inside that counts. If it helps, you can hand over your golf clubs and Gisele's home phone number, and I can hold onto them both until you are ready for...

5. Acceptance - All the baby books will tell you that you should wait 10-12 weeks before going public with a pregnancy (oddly, the books are silent on going public in a newspaper gossip column). The books say it's best to wait, as the chances of miscarriage drop steeply. That's bullshit, Tom.

You have to wait 10-12 weeks to go public because that's how long it takes to say "I'm going to be a father," without mentally adding "so I guess I won't be having any more fun."

To truly be ready for fatherhood, you have to move from acceptance to embracing that you will be a father. Instead of thinking about the diapers you will have to change or the midnight feedings you'll have to wake up for, think about the legacy you are creating - Archie Manning is damn folk hero in New Orleans, and he sucked as a quarterback; think about the road trips you will still take to other cities, and the models and strippers left to bang. Remind yourself that lots of your peers are great parents - if Lebron and Leinart can do it, so can you.

Yours in Impending Fatherhood,
SteveJeltzFan