Do Not Believe This Post

To become good parents, must my wife and I lie?

From Santa Claus, to the Tooth Fairy, to what happened to the family dog, it seems like childhood is being fed a steady stream of bullshit. And creamed spinach. The prenatal lying could begin as soon as tomorrow, if anyone notices my wife not ordering a drink with dinner.

I'm sure this isn't a problem for every expectant couple, or maybe even most expectant couples. But when you are known for having a drink or two, a smoke or two, and your child-to-be was conceived as a result...how do you keep a low profile until you go public? You lie.

Below are some lies that I have prepared for my wife in preparation for dinner tomorrow.

• I'm on medication (believable, but personal)
• I'm driving (not owning a car, this might be tough to pull off)
• I'm an alcoholic (believable, but we'd have to get some kind of chip)
• I drank too much last night (not believable, if you know us)
• Alcohol makes me fart (believable, but personal, BUT can be used in the future, when the wife gets gassy)

Most likely, she will order a drink, maybe have a sip, and no one will notice. But looking to a future when I will have to lie to my child about present deities, "a farm in the country," and why I was "wrestling" with mom, it's a good start.

It's a Zygote!

Any lingering doubt was removed about an hour ago thanks to some nice folks at a nearby clinic. Stay tuned for upcoming freakouts concerning:

• Moving to a two-bedroom place
• Telling the parents
• Cancelling the summer vacation

And you won't want to miss a very special freakout, "Daddy Issues, Old Scars Opened!"

Ma Nish Tanah Ha Lilah Hazeh?

Pardon the gibberish above. If you know Hebrew, and dig transliteration, then you know the above words mean, roughly, "Why is tonight different than every other night?" a phrase typically invoked during Passover.

Tonight was different from all other nights.

On all other nights, I arrive home from work before my wife, why tonight does my wife await me at home?

On all other nights, the kitchen gets cleaned by me after dinner. Why on this night, was the kitchen already cleaned?

On all other nights, there's rarely cake...

On all other nights, my wife doesn't greet me with, "I'm pregnant."

Here I am. Five hours later. Happy, scared, excited, nervous and spastic.

So I started this blog as therapy.