Do Not Believe This Post

To become good parents, must my wife and I lie?

From Santa Claus, to the Tooth Fairy, to what happened to the family dog, it seems like childhood is being fed a steady stream of bullshit. And creamed spinach. The prenatal lying could begin as soon as tomorrow, if anyone notices my wife not ordering a drink with dinner.

I'm sure this isn't a problem for every expectant couple, or maybe even most expectant couples. But when you are known for having a drink or two, a smoke or two, and your child-to-be was conceived as a result...how do you keep a low profile until you go public? You lie.

Below are some lies that I have prepared for my wife in preparation for dinner tomorrow.

• I'm on medication (believable, but personal)
• I'm driving (not owning a car, this might be tough to pull off)
• I'm an alcoholic (believable, but we'd have to get some kind of chip)
• I drank too much last night (not believable, if you know us)
• Alcohol makes me fart (believable, but personal, BUT can be used in the future, when the wife gets gassy)

Most likely, she will order a drink, maybe have a sip, and no one will notice. But looking to a future when I will have to lie to my child about present deities, "a farm in the country," and why I was "wrestling" with mom, it's a good start.