Graduating from Baby University

Yesterday was quite possibly the perfect summer day. The temperature was in the low-80s, the sun was shining, the air smelled like green leaves and uncut grass. What better way to spend it than staying inside for a 9-hour class on childbirth? That's how we spent our day. And here's how it went...

8:20 am: A last-minute check of the registration e-mail reveals we should bring two pillows and a blanket to the class. Until this minute, I had no idea. An optimist would praise the good fortune of double-checking that e-mail. A pessimist would ask how I could screw up something so simple what else I read and have ignored in preparation of having a child.

9:00: Class begins at our anticipated delivery hospital. Instructor has 18-years of experience delivering babies. She has also been awake since 3:00 pm of the previous day and spent the night delivering three babies. There will be no yawning during class.

9:05: Among the warning signs that we should report to our doctor: pre-term labor. Good call.

9:12: There is a videotape of Bill Cosby's "Himself" sitting on a nearby television stand. That bodes well.

9:15: Here is our birth plan, feel free to modify it for your own purposes:
1. Go Into Labor
2. Go To Hospital
3. Deliver Baby

9:22 Introductions! "Hi, my name is Eric, I am a first-time father, and I have not yet built the crib."

9:24: There are eight couples here, expected to deliver between four and eight weeks from now. Four are having girls, two are having boys, and two couples must have very boring color schemes in their nursery.

9:27: I did not pay money and get up this early for a PowerPoint presentation. Though it looks like I have no choice.

9:40: "Having a baby is about pooping. And peeing. You will poop, and the nurses will say 'good job!' The muscles you use to poop are the same you use to push. Think of pushing like you have been constipated for nine months." Ok, awesome analogy and quite vivid. Maybe equating giving birth to taking a dump is a ploy to get the men more attuned. But what does that exactly make my daughter?

9:50 As my wife slips out to go to the bathroom, we have a scientific discussion of the perineum and doing Kegel exercises to strengthen the muscles. I perform a group Kegel stretch with 16 strangers. It is the kinkiest thing I have ever done.

10:00 Was informed that the placenta has "gooey stuff" attached to it.

10:05: Five minute break. Eight women go to the bathroom eleven times.

10:10: Yes! Bill Cosby's "Himself"

Do you think that we'll get to watch the dentist bit after lunch?

10:40: For all the scientific knowledge we have about childbirth, we have identified the substance that triggers women into labor. We have yet to identified what triggers this substance to be released into the body. Instructor calls this a miracle, I find it fascinating.

10:50: If baby wasn't active in utero back in the day, "vibra-electric stimulation" was used to jolt baby. Public discussion of vibra-electric stimulation takes top spot from group Kegel on kink list!

11:00: Six of eight women will be requesting an epidural. The other two will "wait and see." Instructor is clearly displeased. Natus, Roman god of newborns is awakened from slumber.

11:15: There are four stages of labor: 1. Dilation 2. Delivery of Baby 3. Delivery of Placenta 4. Recovery (up six weeks). I don't know how they decided those were the four stages. 1 & 2 seem the most important, but 3 & 4 remind me of when I put "wake up" and "eat lunch" on my to-do lists.

11:40: You can gauge the strength of contractions by feeling a woman's belly. To tell the difference in severity, compare to pressing against your nose, chin, then forehead. That's how I've been measuring whether a steak is done for years.

11:41: Use the "5-1-1" rule when measuring contractions. Record the duration of each contraction and the frequency of the contractions. When the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, call the doctor and be at the hospital post haste. (this entry added as a public service to anyone reading a random blog, wondering whether they are in labor).

12:00 - 12:45: Hospital tour! Women holding very tiny babies! Labor room is nicer than my college apartment. Definitely more sterile. Many gadgets, gauges, straps, and clips. Spotlights from the ceiling! Smile, you are on vagina-cam! Recovery rooms can be private or semi-private. Jockeying for private rooms turns newfound friends into bitter rivals.

12:45-1:45: Lunch. Hospital food is everything it is advertised to be. I'll pack a lunch.

1:55: My wife takes an average of 12 breaths during a given 45-second period. I need to know this for some reason, but not sure why.

2:10: Our instructor. I really like her as an instructor. She doesn't mince words, she has experience and is very responsive and informed with answers to all types of questions. But here's the thing. She is clearly a non-native English speaker. Brand names and newer drug names or procedures, she has no problem pronouncing, but some terms, she must have learned to say one way and never changed. This is why she pronounces uterus as "oo-ter-ohs" and puts an extra syllable in dilation (di-la-tay-tion). It doesn't ruin her credibility, but it's distracting. Of course, she has delivered 1,000 babies, and I have not.

2:15: Suggested remedies for back labor include the mother changing positions and getting on all fours. Behold, the cycle of life.

2:20: That time period when the baby actually descends the birth canal and takes its first breath is called "transition." As a man who writes and spins words for a living, I applaud whoever named that.

2:21: "Your wife will likely not want to be touched during transition." Noted.

2:30: Giving birth is full of choices - epidural or natural? doula or husband? Apparently, "Would you like to hold this mirror so you can see the baby crowning?" is on that list.

2:40: Any feelings I had about my instructor's command of the English language disappear when she uses "anal" instead of careful or meticulous. Repeatedly.

2:45: There are five primary vital signs measured at one minute of life and again at five minutes. Each sign is valued and a perfect vital sign measurement is ten. In 18 years, my instructor has only seen three perfect tens. Maybe self-consciousness of ones body doesn't begin with Teen Cosmo.

2:46 - 5:30: Our instructor, now awake for more than 24 straight hours, goes into detail on each variable of pregnancy, from induction to foreceps, from the epidural to the C-section. Everyone listens intently. I even asked a question about the effect the body's (or baby's) rejection of Cervidil has on the introduction of Petocin the following morning when inducing pregnancy. Look at the big brain on me! (Answer: not much).

5:30: "Applying pressure to specific portions of the foot can cause premature labor." The stunned silence you hear are eight women realizing that perk of pregnancy is gone.

5:35: The women are escorted out of the room, the men are left inside. I think this is when we watch "Our Bodies, Ourselves."

5:36: Nope, instead, we get a little gentlemanly pep talk and are told to be strong during the birthing process (translation: you can guess, but no one knows how your wife will react during labor. If she starts to clutch your testicles and curse your existence, don't take it personally).

5:37: We are going to "simulate" the pains of labor by pinching our wives with oversized clothespins in different body parts while she focuses on relaxing and breathing for sixty seconds. This will not end well.

5:38: Instructor goes outside to speak with women, gone no less than two minutes, the eight men left alone say absolutely nothing to each other.

5:40 - 6:00: I pinch my wife's shoulder, forearm and upper arm, apologizing the entire time. There aren't enough sorry's in the world to make up for what she'll be going through on August 20.

6:01: Since I never bothered to pick up my undergraduate diploma, this certificate of completion is pinnacle of my academic existence. I plan on framing it and putting it in the nursery.

The class was long and the subject matter was foreign and frightening, but we are now certified in the ability to give birth - so watch out world, here comes baby!