These Things We Believe

I’m looking forward to using my child as a guinea pig. I plan on conducting a few simple, yet highly informative, studies over the next few years: serving vegetables as “dessert”, teaching my daughter that a fork is called “spoon,” that sort of stuff. I’m curious to see what happens.

No matter the result of my weird science, there are a few things that my child is just going to have to accept. These are longstanding beliefs shared by me and my wife. These are the tenants on which on our relationship is based, the foundation of our life as a family. My daughter will have no choice but to accept:

• Sunday nights are sacred, reserved for a nice dinner, “America’s Funniest Home Videos” and no mention of rising early for work.
• Tim Daly and Stephen Weber are two of the nation’s foremost actors and every show in which they appear must be watched. Except for “Wings,” which is crap.
• Creamy peanut butter, never chunky
• Toilet paper is hung to be dispensed from over the top, not from under
• The designated hitter rule is a pox on the great game of baseball
• Cold is better than hot
• Never buy pad thai from a street vendor in the suburbs
• Large birds (ostriches, swans, etc.) may look silly, but they will mess you up
• The only good cream cheese comes in bar form, not in a tub (NOTE: this is up for dispute in the household, though I am sure my daughter, as with any sane and rational human, will agree)
• The Fourth of July is meant to be spent indoors
• Christmas is meant to be spent playing cards and drinking
• Napping is an acceptable hobby

There are more, to be sure, but let’s not overwhelm the child from day one. If I miss any that are egregious, I’ll update accordingly.