Ten Simple Rules...
Know that person in your office, or maybe it's an extended relative, that loves e-mail forwards? Well, today I am masquerading as that person, but injecting a personal touch to the well-travelled words below.
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. I'm more liberal on this issue. Unlike the middle-age crank who originally wrote this, I am from the Droopy Drawer Generation, so this behavior doesn't shock me. I believe in fairness and equality, however, so if you come into my home looking like that, you will be subject to the same rules as my daughter: If I can see your underwear, you are not leaving the house.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. This is well said.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”. We will have one discussion relating to history. See Rule Six.
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. To reinforce this point, we will have a discussion on Hammurabi's Code, making sure that you are crystal clear on the concept of "and eye for an eye."
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer then painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other then overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. While you are there, feel free to visit my mother. I am sure she will approve of your behavior and attire.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,balding (thanks genetics!), middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the housea jury of other fathers will understand. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have bought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Listen, all that stuff in Rule Ten, I cannot relate to that. I have never seen combat. Not in Vietnam, not in Iraq, not anywhere. The closest I've been to war is watching Apocalypse Now. I do enjoy drinking whiskey and listening to Rage Against the Machine, which is something to be considered.
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. I'm more liberal on this issue. Unlike the middle-age crank who originally wrote this, I am from the Droopy Drawer Generation, so this behavior doesn't shock me. I believe in fairness and equality, however, so if you come into my home looking like that, you will be subject to the same rules as my daughter: If I can see your underwear, you are not leaving the house.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. This is well said.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”. We will have one discussion relating to history. See Rule Six.
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. To reinforce this point, we will have a discussion on Hammurabi's Code, making sure that you are crystal clear on the concept of "and eye for an eye."
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer then painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other then overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. While you are there, feel free to visit my mother. I am sure she will approve of your behavior and attire.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have bought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Listen, all that stuff in Rule Ten, I cannot relate to that. I have never seen combat. Not in Vietnam, not in Iraq, not anywhere. The closest I've been to war is watching Apocalypse Now. I do enjoy drinking whiskey and listening to Rage Against the Machine, which is something to be considered.
Delivered by SteveJeltzFan. Born on 5/14/2007 01:09:00 PM PERMALINK
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