What's In a Name, Part II

The book in front of me holds more than 50,000 names. From Aaliyah to Zyler. Somewhere, buried in these 582 pages, is my child's name. My Lovely Wife and I have already narrowed down our selections. We have two pages, one for each gender, of handwritten names. And no, you will not get to know what name we have chosen prior to birth; that way, should you choose (like I often do) to make fun of the name, you're insulting a person, not a vague concept.

In the classic book Fatherhood Bill Cosby famously advises prospective parents to name their child with a vowel at the end, so that the name will carry when you yell. Now that's some advice you can take to heart.

Beyond that, there are a few more parameters that I've set to help pick out the right name.

First, I like two-syllable first names. Mostly because I have a two-syllable last name, and with the right cadence, that construction fits right into the cheer, "FIRST Name, LAST Name, clap, clap, clapclapclap." I think this is more of a rule for a boy, I'm not sure that girls would have much use for this.

Second, no rhyming. Not much rhymes exactly with my last name (which, believe it or not isn't "JeltzFan,") but there are some names that come close: Jason, Mason, etc. Those are out.

Beyond that, the parameters are as follows:

• No Punctuation - That goes for apostrophes, commas, and question marks. I will allow anything that qualifies under the "special characters" list in Microsoft Word - the copyright symbol, pi, etc.
  
• No Geography - Madison and Cheyenne might be the new hotness right now, but I could see myself getting carried away and jotting "Bangor" or "Kansas City" on a birth certificate. Better to stay clear.
• No Verbs - If you're not careful, you might overlook that a name is a verb - I nearly did with a few fairly common names. How long, though, until we meet a girl name Dance or a boy named Jog?
• No Common Nouns - Extending the grammar theme here, I can't agree to name my child Seven, December, or Harp (all actual examples in the book I referenced above).
• No Famous Athletes - But, you say, I'm clearly a sports fan, how can I eliminate all famous athletes? Let me be a bit more specific. I will not be naming my child any of the following: Lavernues (hard to spell), D'brickashaw (punctuation mark), or Peerless (although it might be the loop hole to avoid trial by jury)

Like I said above, we've narrowed down from 50,000 to about 10-20 per gender, so if we're in a pinch, we can always draw names out of a hat. And besides, what are you going to do? Make fun of my baby's name? I'll take away your visitation rights.

And if none of our prospective names work out, there's always this Web site, which I recommend you go to now and come back to this site later.