Pregnancy FAQ

I love my family. I also love my friends. I tolerate my co-workers. While I do enjoy the sound of my own voice, I'm not a fan of repetition (don't lie, neither are you - I bet you don't repeat after lathering and rinsing).

So, after answering the same set of questions over the past few months, I'm just going to compile them in a handy Pregnancy FAQ below. I am sure this will grow bigger in direct proportion to my wife's belly, so maybe this is just part one.

When is the baby due?
Oddly enough, we've heard differing due dates:
Doctor A: September 2
Doctor B: September 4
My Wife: Not Soon Enough
Me: Better Not Be NFL Opening Day

Are you excited?
When I was eight, my parents took my brother and I to Disneyland - Mickey, Goofy, Pluto, the whole shebang. That was exciting.
This? This is adrenaline-fueled anxiety. Imagine having to get your Christmas presents by walking through a minefield with a blindfold on. It's that kind of exciting.

Are you going to find out the gender?
Apparently, this is a major question, one that expectant parents wrestle with. For me, it's a no-brainer, yes, we are going to find out the gender. There's so much I don't know, it will be nice to cross one thing off the list.

Do you want a boy or girl?
Remember that line in the original Godfather, "May your first child be a masculine one."? Well, I'm not that adamant. No matter what gender, the kid's gonna have me wrapped around its little finger - though if it's a girl, she might never ever have me unwrapped. Quite honestly, so long as it is healthy and has between 18-24 functional digits, I'll be happy. And even if not, I'll still be happy.

What names are you considering?
Oh no you don't! I cannot, should not, and will not divulge this information. You see, I'm an asshole and a gossip. It's a terrible, but terribly satisfying, combination. There's nothing I like more than to make fun of you and your decisions behind your back. You will not be doing the same to me and my child.

How is your wife? Is she craving?
My wife is fine, thank you for asking. She's taking pregnancy like a champ (yeah, that's a wierd thing to say, but bear in mind, my wife hates children). She was biologically blessed to avoid morning sickness (knock on wood) but, perhaps as balance, has to self-administer shots twice a day. That is another reason why men will never gestate. I'm too much of a wuss to do that.

Is my wife craving? Well, that's another question entirely. Does she know that her loving husband will dote on her every need and bring her whatever she wants? Yes. Is she satisfying her cravings? Yes, but they aren't all food related.

My wife's cravings are pretty much limited to four daily phone calls to ensure I haven't skipped town and for still silence while she sleeps.

How has life changed since becoming a non-smoking, teetotaling expectant father?
It's pretty much the same, except boring. Just kidding!
Apparently, instead of drinking myself to sleep each night, I blog. Same difference.

Have you registered yet?
No, no, we're having a baby, we got married last year.
Right, have you registered for the baby?
You mean like registering a firearm? I'm pretty sure the hospital...
I mean, have you registered for baby items or picked a nursery theme yet?
We have to do that? I was pretty sure that after the silverware and plates and stuff, we were done.
Nope, you have to register - you simply have to go to Babies R Us and pick out a nursery theme, you will have so much fun!
That's not a question, that's a threat.