I'm Not Joking, She Looks Like Lyndon Johnson

In its third season, "Seinfeld" uncovered a widely-known, but little publicized secret: Not all babies are cute. Some, in fact, are downright ugly. I was thinking about this when one of my friends, in a compliment to my wife and me, said, "you are going to have a beautiful baby."

Don't get me wrong, my wife and I are hot, but we weren't always. I was born bald and jaundiced; my wife, also bald, was born as many inches tall as she was wide.

My baby?

As an parent, I will be required to believe that my son or daughter is the most beautiful creature to ever roam this Earth. Will I be able to separate myself from a lifetime of cattiness and snark to actually believe that? Or will I have the sense enough to know when to send some baby photos to the Ugly Baby Contest?

I know my baby is the fruit of my loins and all that, but how do you brag about someone who looks like they just got into a bar fight?

I think my tactics here will be my default tactics:

• Repress myself into believing my baby will be beautiful and the envy of Gerber baby food commercial producers nationwide.
• Deny that my baby has any physical imperfections, despite any evidence to the contrary.
• Assault (men)/Insult (women) who try to say otherwise.

After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and no one can tell me that my child is not beautiful. Even if my kid does look like Dwight Eisenhower.