Nine Month Odyssey - Extended By Popular Demand!

You Don't Post For a Month and Now This?

2007-09-18T16:05:00.000-04:00

Sad to say that my responsibilties as father, husband, and employee have superceded by duties as diligent blogger. It's been three weeks since my last post and, in blogging terms, I may as well have taken off three years. I have embraced the mantra of parenthood: after all the chores are done, Rebecca is safely (and finally!) asleep, the dishwasher is clean, my lunch is packed...well, I'd rather

Pimp My Ride

2007-08-29T23:10:00.000-04:00

Earlier in this blog, I touched on transportation, namely, my lack of it. To resolve our "Bringing Home Baby" issue, my wife and I wisely decided to rent a car for one week. That got us to the and from the hospital, back to the hospital for various jaundice-related reasons, to the pediatrician and the grocery store.Our life as non-car-having semi-urban hipsters ended yesterday. Buying a car, in

The Second Pot

2007-08-29T22:53:00.000-04:00

My dearest morning pot of coffee, I love you more than I can say. You are always there for me, coaxing me awake, chasing away my slumber, a morning lover whose sweet kisses danced along lips like a secret mistress. My dearest morning pot of coffee, we have spent nearly every morning, weekday and weekend together, and my respect and admiration remains for you.But there is another.I can no longer

The Importance of Being Baby

2007-08-28T08:33:00.000-04:00

When I was a junior in college, I had an internship at a small PR firm. The firm's owner had a background in marketing, public relations, and communications, including a stint with a local sports team. He was a bit of a sports nut, so he and I developed a good relationship. Despite his zeal for all things sports, I remember being surprised that I was constantly updating him on the results of

I Used to be Smart

2007-08-25T15:48:00.000-04:00

They say that men have two brains, one in their head the other in their pants. The common joke is that men only have enough blood to use one of those brains at a time. I think parenthood has given me a parallel to that.You see, I used to be smart. Just one week ago, I was rattling off answers on Jeopardy! telecasts, could concentrate on a thought to completion, even carry on meaningful

My Yellow Baby

2007-08-24T14:01:00.000-04:00

You may recall that my wife and I painted our nursery yellow with some fairly radiant consequences. We eventually repainted the nursery a less-obscene shade of yellow, which is probably for the best: My baby is incredibly jaundiced.Jaundice is fairly common, especially in babies born via induction or premature. My wife and I were both jaundiced as infants. I spent a few days under the heat lamps,

The First 48 Hours

2007-08-23T08:23:00.000-04:00

This is going to be one disjointed-ass post.Random thoughts, remarks, and observations on my first 48 hours as a parent...If you asked me, around 4pm yesterday, how being a parent was, I'd have to tell you it was going remarkably well. I suppose that it still is going remarkably well, though there's a bit more fussing and crying over the past 12 hours.Rebecca *hates* having her diaper changed.

What's Dis?

2007-08-21T10:42:00.000-04:00

Huh? Where am I? What's dis Interweb thing?Why iz it so hard type wif dese mittens on? What does dis say, I cannot read.Oh, hai. My name is Rebecca Marquis and I was born yesterday at 7:25 pm. I do not like to miss Jeopardy!, so I came out just in time.I weigh 6 lbs and 10 ounces. I really like eating. My mommy and daddy are pretty cool people, but I'm not sure they know what hey are doing.Ok,

We're Off To See The Wizard

2007-08-19T16:05:00.000-04:00

I'll be spending the next three hours pacing, mumbling, double-checking and second-guessing. Then, around 7 o'clock, it's off to the hospital. When we return, if all goes as planned, we will be three.Despite bringing the laptop to the hospital, I will not be live-blogging the birth. That's probably best for everyone.I'll update this space as I can, most certainly with photographs. I'm not sure

A Letter To My Daughter

2007-08-18T23:36:00.000-04:00

Hey there kiddo, how ya doing? Within 48 hours you and I will meet face-to-face, and I gotta say, it’ll be among the best days of my life. I’ve spent the last nine months thinking about you, giving you a personality, and dreaming about you in my life. On Monday, you move from a concept – a lump in my wife’s belly – to a reality. I hope, when you read this, you’ll know that I tried my best. See

An Important Message To My Wife

2007-08-17T13:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Lovely Wife,The free-wheeling codeine abuse will have to stop if you plan on breastfeeding. This is serious news. Apparently, the article states, codeine is in *everything* - cough syrup, pain killers, Cheerios, you name it - that is part of a healthy new mother's diet. I did my own research during lunch and have determined that you had best avoid ingesting the following while breastfeeding:

It's the Final Countdown!

2007-08-17T09:01:00.000-04:00

This is a very "is it the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning type of post."Went to a baseball game last night with a friend of mine (my last three evenings have been spent at two games and a fantasy football draft, btw), and I commented, "this is my last night out without a kid. Tomorrow, that's our last night hosting our friends, and Saturday, that's our last night together."I've

The To-Do List Grows

2007-08-16T09:58:00.001-04:00

T-minus five days and holycrapwhyhaventweevenpackedthehospital-bagyetshecouldgointolaborATANYMINUTE...Somewhere between "prepare nursery" and "do not drop on floor" there's a whole laundry list of items that need addressing. It's weird to think of the paperwork and administrative items that come along with having a baby, but often, that's the most important part. This technological age doesn't

I Cannot Haz Update?

2007-08-15T08:33:00.000-04:00

This is odd.Checking this blog from work doesn't show the most recent post or that any comments may or may not have been registered for a few days.Checking the blog from home shows everything is updated.According to the computer I'm on now, there haven't been any new posts since the weekend, but I know there have been.Please excuse my technical difficulties and enjoy this picture of a cute baby

I Feel a Bit Ripped Off

2007-08-14T08:22:00.000-04:00

My wife is 37+ weeks pregnant. My wife's belly has a 6+ lbs. baby inside of it. Yet my wife's belly button remains an "innie."When the baby books I read warned that not all expectant mother's belly buttons turn from innies to outies, I shrugged if off. Of course baby books have to say that, just as they say that my child might not ever cry or fuss for more than a minute. They have to cover all

Things My Child Will NOT See

2007-08-13T16:22:00.000-04:00

Predictably, we've been watching a good deal of "Birth Day" lately. Over the weekend, we caught two episodes, Natural Birth and Home Birth - The Bradley Method, that featured a somewhat disturbing trend: siblings in the delivery room.I'm not talking about adult, teenage, or even adolescent children assisting in delivery, I am talking about toddlers and elementary-school-age children, confused and

Update: New Operating Procedure

2007-08-09T11:50:00.000-04:00

As a technical matter, I have just been informed that I am no longer allowed to call either of my in-laws without beginning the conversation with, "We are not on the way to the hospital, all is well." This rule, of course, only applies if we are NOT on the way to the hospital and all IS well.Who knew wishing someone a "Happy Birthday" could get someone's heart rate up so quickly?

This Is Not My Baby

2007-08-09T11:43:00.001-04:00

...but it doesn't mean she's any less cute. This is actually my friends' baby. If you know, have met, or ever heard of my friend Chris, aka "Doc," this is his third daughter, Sophia Rachael. Sophie was born at 12:21 am on August 4. Despite being born nearly a month early, Sophie checked in at a healthy 7 lbs 3 oz and 19 1/2 inches.Chris' wife and mine shared the same due date. Chris' wife was,

Oooooh, You're My Best Friend

2007-08-08T08:35:00.000-04:00

I want my daughter to grow up to be socially responsible, self-aware, courteous, and having a good sense of how to successfully work and play with others. To get there, I realized that my wife and I can only provide partial support. At some point, my kid's gonna need a friend.Now, I'm not worried about finding a friend for my daughter to play with. For the first few years, I don't think my

More August 20 Trivia!

2007-08-07T12:50:00.000-04:00

Hey, did you that there's an August 20 each year? And that stuff has happened on that date...just about each year? Seriously, August 20 is smack in the middle of the dog days - when no one is working and everyone cranks up the air condition. Yet, things still happen - and have for years. Let's dig a bit deeper than music history and discover the wonders of August 20. (Tip of the ol' baby cap to

The General Rule: Hit on 16, Stay on 17

2007-08-03T10:56:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the world, Jennifer Danielle Duggar. Jennifer is the latest addition to the Duggar family of Tontitown, Arkansas. She is her parents' seventeenth child.If the Duggar family and its double-digit brood rings a bell that's because they have been featured on several television programs and in People magazine.Here are some fun facts on the Duggar family, passed along through Discovery

Hey, It's August!

2007-08-02T09:45:00.000-04:00

Look at that, the calendar changed. It's now August. That's August as in:"Hey, what are you doing in August?""Not much, no real vacation planned. Oh, and we're having a baby."Yes, there aren't many more milestones that we can cross before Lefty arrives. The due date is no longer some ethereal day well into the future. It's on my calendar. I am looking at it now.Looking at my schedule, it reads

Freebirth Kind of Weirds Me Out

2007-07-31T13:47:00.001-04:00

The front page of today's Washington post has a large feature story called "Do-It-Yourself Delivery." The story details the experiences of a few women who advocate "freebirth," which is to say, having a baby at home, largely unattended by any licensed medical professional.My knee-jerk reaction to the story, after realizing that as the father, *I'd* be responsible for cleaning up the mess, was

We Gots Mad Skillz

2007-07-31T08:36:00.000-04:00

Ok, now I am ready to have a baby.All the worry, the unknowns, the fear, it's all gone. Bring on baby.Why am I so confident? The wife and I took a little class called "Babycare Skills" last night. And we did well.Because for all the reading we've done, all the videos we've watched, all the stress we've had, all the advice we've been given, all it takes is a three-hour class right?Maybe not.But,

Giving Birth: The Playlist

2007-07-25T15:25:00.000-04:00

What do you get when you cross the iPod generation and the maternity ward? Yeah, that' right - the Giving Birth Playlist. When I joked to my wife that we should have three - one for labor, one for delivery, one for recovery, I think she actually meant that I'll be doing that.Fortunately, my wife and I met in college, well past our mix tape primes. And, while we did exchange a special tape or CD

Becoming A Parent

2007-07-25T08:56:00.000-04:00

Last night, we became parents. Not in a literal sense, so save your cards and gifts. Our baby is still inside my wife, still growing and enjoying herself for the next few weeks. She is, by all accounts, healthy and happy. Though for a few hours last night, we weren't sure.The facts of last night are simple. My wife realizes she hasn't felt our baby move or kick in an unusually long period of time

All Scrunchy & Chipmunkey

2007-07-24T18:00:00.000-04:00

Well, that didn't take long. I have already missed a significant event in my daughter's life. Here's hoping that trend ends prenatally.At my wife's most recent doctor's visit, the technician flipped that switch on the ultrasound machine. My wife was treated to a thirty-minute show of our daughter happily snuggled in the womb, winking, sticking her tongue out and being a general cutie pie. I, of

Graduating from Baby University

2007-07-22T20:10:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was quite possibly the perfect summer day. The temperature was in the low-80s, the sun was shining, the air smelled like green leaves and uncut grass. What better way to spend it than staying inside for a 9-hour class on childbirth? That's how we spent our day. And here's how it went...8:20 am: A last-minute check of the registration e-mail reveals we should bring two pillows and a

So, What is Your Stance on Rectal Thermometers?

2007-07-18T12:43:00.000-04:00

I have a big interview today. Not with a reporter or employer, but with a doctor. Actually, with a stable of doctors. We're in the market for a pediatrician, and I'll be attending a new-parent orientation at a practice nearby tonight.I've never given much thought to my own medical care. Since being responsible for my own health and health insurance, I don't think I've ever gone to the same doctor

These Things We Believe

2007-07-17T10:56:00.000-04:00

I’m looking forward to using my child as a guinea pig. I plan on conducting a few simple, yet highly informative, studies over the next few years: serving vegetables as “dessert”, teaching my daughter that a fork is called “spoon,” that sort of stuff. I’m curious to see what happens.No matter the result of my weird science, there are a few things that my child is just going to have to accept.

August 20: This Day in Music

2007-07-16T11:27:00.000-04:00

This is an awesome Web site.In fact, it's the awesomeist Web site I have seen today.Too lazy to click the link? It's a database of what song was number one on any given day of any given year. Now, my birthday has some pretty choice cuts attached to it ("A licky boom boom down," anyone?). But continuing my obsession with all things August 20, I have to admit, that date is a pretty good one,

You Got My Back?

2007-07-15T08:36:00.001-04:00

What is the true sign of adulthood? Is it the decision to settle down and marry, sharing your life and all the good and bad that is to come with another person? Is it the decision - whether conscious or not - to conceive, gestate, and raise another human being? Or is it something else entirely. Something that happens to nearly every person at some point in their life. It may happen earlier for

My Worst Nightmare

2007-07-09T14:44:00.001-04:00

I have a recurring nightmare. I guess it's more of a recurring bad thought - because it comes and goes during the day and night. My baby is born, the delivery is a success, she is healthy, all her vitals are strong, and she's just plain ugly.Now, I don't mean she's ugly in that "newborn/prune face/still wiping off the goop sort of way", or even in the "okay, that's clearly an unnatural growth,

Top Ten Responses When Asked “When Is Your Wife Due?”

2007-07-09T14:32:00.000-04:00

I get the question often, from new acquaintances and friends with bad memories, "When is your wife due?" Since it's getting harder and harder to answer the question with a straight face and my Nine Month Odyssey t-shirts haven't arrived...with a million apologies to David Letterman....Top Ten Responses When Asked “When Is Your Wife Due?”10. Why should I care, it’s not mine?9. When her belly

I Will Be Busy August 20

2007-07-07T15:06:00.000-04:00

Since no one likes to work the weekend if they can help it, our due date has been moved from Sunday, August 19 to Monday, August 20. Not a big change, in the grand scheme of things, though I did have to figure out how to re-jigger the countdown clock to the right.On one hand, my wife being induced means we'll miss out on any "Oh, this is it!" moment, but those stories usually end with, "So, I

A Bad Precedent

2007-07-04T09:25:00.000-04:00

Tiger Woods is in my town today. And if not today, then by tonight, he will. The first AT&T National golf tournament, to benefit Tiger's foundation, is being held in Bethesda, Maryland through July 7. All the golfniks in town are in a tizzy and Tiger's been on the front page of the sports section from the last few days.Now, I want to phrase this next point correctly, without room for

On The Company Dime

2007-07-03T09:10:00.000-04:00

Back from vacation, but only posting on the weekends? Something ain't right about that.Seems I've started to play a round of, "Where's Daddy?" before my daughter even arrives. Truth is, I started a new job last week and it's kept me fairly busy, which is more than I can say for my last gig.Also, something tells me I should wait until my first week is over before posting on this blog from work.

DIY, Please Don't Die

2007-07-01T00:45:00.000-04:00

It was a beautiful day here in suburban Washington, D.C. The high, humid temperatures broke yesterday and today was mostly sunny and in the mid-80's.Combined, my wife and I spent thirty minutes outside of our house.Rather than take advantage of one of our final few weekends as a couple, we undertook a few things that we've been neglecting for a while: a wholesale clean of our home and setting up

There is No Defense For Chaos

2007-06-29T15:57:00.000-04:00

"You're being unreasonable," I declared. My voice was not raised, though the exasperation was evident. That was the last sentence I got out before the macaroni and cheese hit me in the face. Fortunately, that was the worst part about baby-sitting my two-year old niece this week. You can read as many books as you can, grill as many parents as you know, and watch as many DVDs and television

Taking a Shower

2007-06-27T22:12:00.000-04:00

Baby showers - just like a party, but sober. And with tiny sandwiches!Yes, we attended our baby's shower last weekend, prior to heading off to the beach. Only 14 months removed from my wife's bridal shower, my heart rate had barely slowed by last Saturday.Our baby's shower was, by all accounts, awesome. By my account, I showed up at my in-laws, saw some family and friends I hadn't seen in a while

This Blog Is Going To The Beach

2007-06-22T09:45:00.000-04:00

Two years ago, my in-laws planned a wonderful vacation for themselves, my wife and I (then dating), and their son and daughter-in-law. The Scandianvian cruise was going to last ten days and pass through countries I had never visited before. Plans were scuttled when my sister-in-law got pregnant.Last year, my in-laws planned a wonderful vacation for themselves, my wife and I (now married!), and

Tiger's Cub, An Indecent Proposal Thwarted

2007-06-20T10:19:00.000-04:00

I had this post’s outline already complete in my head. It was going to be brilliant. It was going to be self-promoting. It was going to be the first time I blatantly sold out my daughter for personal and (hopefully) financial gain. Then, it all came crashing down.You see, Tiger Woods became a father on Monday. First of all, congratulations to the happy couple and Tiger, welcome to the Varsity Dad

Home Alone

2007-06-17T22:22:00.000-04:00

On the Friday before Father's Day, my first as an expectant father, my wife left me. Don't worry, she came back on Sunday.Before we decided to take Labor Day weekend literally, my wife and I had whirlwind plans for the long weekend. Two of our friends, one of mine from high school, two of hers from law school, are getting married Labor Day weekend. The first wedding, where my wife was to be a

Houston, We Have a Ca-Ca

2007-06-14T10:22:00.000-04:00

The fun and unusual baby news keeps rolling in from across the country.Meet Natalie Meilinger, mother of three-month-old Jack and unwitting astronomer. Seems that Jack's video baby monitor has been picking up more than just his breathing and crying, it's been picking up satellite video of the space shuttle Atlantis.In between the feedings and the changings, the Meilinger's have enjoyed video

Bringing Home Baby

2007-06-13T13:27:00.000-04:00

Being the uber-hip, environmentally conscious, city-dwelling DINKs that we are, my wife and I currently do not own a car. Actually, none of the above is true exacept for the last part. You see, when we lived in the heart of Washington, DC, we did own a car. First, we owned an awesome lavender pimpmobile, a hand-me-down from my nonagenarian grandfather. After that novelty wore off, we wised up and

Baby Delivered on Highway - Another Victim of Suburban Gridlock

2007-06-13T10:09:00.000-04:00

Morning commuters on the Dulles Toll Road got a little surprise yesterday. About 5 lbs, 10 ounces worth, to be exact. Javan Anthony Cruz was born yesterday morning, three and a half weeks early, in an ambulance on the side of the road.After going into labor around 7:15 am on Tuesday, Michelle Cruz hit the road with her husband Norman to get to the hospital. Since this is the Washington, DC area,

The Roar of the Lion

2007-06-12T23:45:00.000-04:00

I’m not a big believer in horoscopes or astrology, but I know that many are. The horoscope takes up valuable real estate in my home newspaper’s comics section, and the only justifiable reason is that many people believe. If all goes according to plan, my daughter will be a Leo – the lion – born between July 23 and August 22. And, looking at the traits of a Leo, living

Knocked Out by "Knocked Up"

2007-06-10T23:13:00.000-04:00

I should've been a headline writer.What I should not attempt to be, however, is a movie critic.My Lovely Wife and I went to see Knocked Up this afternoon. I would like to provide a thorough recap and analysis of the movie, but for the life of me, can only remember bits and pieces. But, if you like any of the below, you must see this movie:Pregnancy as humorDrug humorThe supporting cast of

Aw...hic...that's so...hic...cute

2007-06-09T16:00:00.000-04:00

One of the things that annoys many people when a friend or acquaintance has a new baby (particularly for the first time) is that everything said baby does, no matter how trivial, mundane, or disgusting, becomes the cutest thing in the world. I had one friend, at the time a father for all of three days, extol the virtues of new baby poop, and how he reveled in its yellow-ness. I found this to be

It's it. What is it? It's it.

2007-06-05T14:40:00.000-04:00

Twice in the past week I’ve mentioned to strangers that my first child – a daughter – will be born in August. And twice, from men I have never met before, I have been told the unmitigated joy of having a daughter.My optometrist – at my very first appointment with him – even went so far as to speak in a hushed tone, hunching down to speak with me face-to-face while I sat in the examining room.“

One Year Ago

2007-06-03T13:28:00.001-04:00

There's been a bit of a semantic battle in my house this weekend. You see, one year ago this weekend, a biiiiig thing happened. The conventional position, advocated by the women in my life (wife, mother) is that one year ago today, my wife and I were married. My position is that one year ago today, I was snoozing my way across the country in first class. One year ago on this date, however, my

Does This Make Me Intolerant?

2007-06-03T08:30:00.000-04:00

"Why don't you get drunk for my amusement?"There are some questions you don't have to ask me twice.Since we first found out my wife was expecting, our per capita alcohol consumption has plummeted. I'm not one for hyperbole, so I can't sit here and say that shortly after we began teetotaling our local liquor store went bankrupt, but sometime in February my mom got a call from the shop's proprietor

What's in a Name, Part IV (The Final Four)

2007-05-28T18:19:00.000-04:00

Today I submitted for consideration four potential names for my daughter. I will not divulge them. The baby-naming process is drawing to a close, though I think that nothing will be final until August.We pored over several books of baby names: some containing a mere 10,000, others up to 50,000. Following my self-imposed parameters (not to mention the near-constant "reminders" from my wife), I

Becoming a Varsity Dad

2007-05-25T14:41:00.000-04:00

It was, in a roundabout way, because of sports that I decided to start an expectant-father blog. After reading and admiring the work of a few bloggers/writers in particular, I was inspired to write down my own thoughts and feelings while trying to maintain a sense of humor. In particular, three writers stand out and their blogs are linked on the right: Big Daddy Drew, who is funnier than me, Will

Can I Kick It?

2007-05-22T22:34:00.001-04:00

According to all I've been reading my daughter is having quite the time inside of my wife. She's small enough to move freely and rotate through various positions. She is also developing her senses and is able to hear sounds. And, according to my wife, my daughter is very lively, often disrupting the workday to do a somersault or grab the umbilical cord for an in utero double dutch competition.The

A New Week Dawns

2007-05-20T23:15:00.000-04:00

So there are just two new episodes of "The Sopranos" left. A Sunday night tradition ends on June 11. During the three months or so a year that "The Sopranos" was on, cooking up a big dinner and settling in for a good hour of television was the perfect way to end a weekend. No matter if your Saturday and Sunday were filled with errands, activities or general malaise, "The Sopranos" was always

Everyone's Excited. I'm Excited, Too, I Swear.

2007-05-17T23:57:00.000-04:00

Somewhere along the line, I became a worrier. I can trace it back to the end of my sophomore year of college; I distinctly remember worrying about my living situation and a feeling of impending dread and homelessness as I was unable to fill all of the rooms in my group house. Despite all of my sky-is-falling feelings, the house was filled, and life moved on. But I think that's the first time I

The Ides of May

2007-05-16T14:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the 15th of the month and you know what that means...Check bank account online to ensure direct deposit has been deposited directlyPay outrageous condominium association fee so those geriatric-home style carpets in the hallway are cleaned regularlyMentally prepare for baby arriving two weeks sooner than last internal freakoutWrite e-mails to day care centers extolling virtues of

Ten Simple Rules...

2007-05-14T13:09:00.000-04:00

Know that person in your office, or maybe it's an extended relative, that loves e-mail forwards? Well, today I am masquerading as that person, but injecting a personal touch to the well-travelled words below.Ten Simple Rules for Dating My DaughterRule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.Rule Two: You do not

Livening Up the Dog Days

2007-05-08T13:50:00.000-04:00

I interrupt this blog for a special announcement. Cancel my plans for Sunday, August 19. Clear my calendar. I'm going to meet my daughter that day.Or possibly the next day.We found out yesterday that my wife's doctor recommends inducing labor two weeks prior to her scheduled September 2 due date. This means many things.First, it means My Lovely Wife, who has never shied from any circumstance in

Registration

2007-05-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

Know what I didn't enjoy but didn't really matter that much?Wedding registry.Know what I don't really enjoy but is very, very important?Baby registry.This time last year, my wife and I thought it a fantastic idea to have 12 red wine glasses,12 white wine glasses, and 12 champagne flutes. Unless we throw dinner parties like royalty in the next few years, I'm thinking that we got a bit overzealous

All Thumbs & Two Left Feet

2007-05-03T14:10:00.000-04:00

"The best part about being a father," one of my friends recently confided, "is that you have this little person who looks up to you and thinks you are a freaking superhero."From the time she's little right up until she becomes a jaded teen, I'm hoping my daughter thinks that highly of me. It's easy when they are little:"Ohmygosh, Daddy, you disappeared right behind your hands. Ohmygosh, then you

Quick Hits

2007-05-01T16:18:00.000-04:00

Yes, my boss is away this week, why do you ask?All that fun I've having about my daughter being left-handed just stopped being fun.Quiet baby = quiet home, crying baby = international fame?It's May first, so April's Ugly Baby Contest is over. Better luck next month.

Facing the Camera

2007-05-01T11:35:00.000-04:00

If you are like my wife, your heart will flutter and your soul will yearn when you see the photographs below.If you are like me, you will swell with pride, but struggle to hide you find the photographs below bizarre.During my wife's most recent visit to the doctor, the technician performed a routine ultrasound and reassured us that all was well with our daughter. Before leaving the room, she

This Post Now Has A Title

2007-04-30T23:10:00.000-04:00

There are six pillows in my house and currently five of them are adjacent to My Lovely Wife. The sixth lays on my side of the bed. This doesn't include the curved body pillow, who we affectionately call "Mr. Snuggle" that is currently next to the bed, should my wife need it. The last time there were this many pillows on my bed, I was making a fort.If you are not, like me, a first-time expectant

Baby Clothing Is Small

2007-04-30T10:03:00.000-04:00

We have two shirts, two "onesies" and a pair of Osh Kosh B'gosh overalls just waiting for our daughter, so she's set to be clothed for about 12 hours. If the size of this clothing is any indication we can, in a pinch, cut holes in the finger tips of old gloves and have a few new outfits, as well.I've had some infant-handling experience before. I know that babies, as a general rule, are small. My

...And We're Back...

2007-04-24T22:56:00.000-04:00

I was away for a few days, but not in the vacation or "getaway" sense. I was away in the blogger sense. That is, I was dealing with some other crap for a few days. Among the real life crap: battling a debilitating cold and moving. While I'm sure you want to hear about my courageous battle against a common virus, the more exciting news is that I'm typing to you from our future nursery! Which is a

What Will She Look Like?

2007-04-19T22:00:00.000-04:00

I've got a lot of questions about my daughter. Will she be a crier? How much will she sleep? Will she be into Barbie? Does she like yellow? Most of these questions can only be learned in due time. But there are a few things that I won't have any control or input on and the one that I've been wrestling with is, "What will she look like?"Now, I've already weighed in on who she currently resembles,

Girlie Baby Photos

2007-04-17T22:54:00.000-04:00

From the expectant parents who brought you the photo essays Amorphous Blob of Cells, "I Think It Has Wings", and The Thumbsucking Fetus, come the latest round of in utero photographs: The Little Miss & Her Developed Spine!Having passed eighth grade biology,I'm comfortable detailing the gender of my baby.Now, stop looking at her there.The beauty of the situation quickly deteriorated whenDaddy

Random Thoughts

2007-04-16T22:52:00.000-04:00

I never really knew that people rely on this site for their unborn baby update until my wife and I suddenly left town after I posted our baby's gender.It was very sad (but not entirely unexpected) news that brought us back to Florida for the second time in two weeks. The news that we are having a girl brought a little bit of joy into a solemn weekend, particularly for my mother, who has been

The Results Are In!

2007-04-13T12:12:00.000-04:00

We're having a princess.

Oh God, What Have I Done (Part II)?

2007-04-10T10:21:00.000-04:00

As promised a few posts ago, it is time for the public embarrassment.But before we get to that, a little background.Of the many remarkable things about me as a person, two of the standouts are my oddly broad shoulders and my ability to eat. These two features have been kind to me over the years. My ability to eat (think marathon, not sprint) helped me fill out my broad-shouldered frame during

Born in DC, Raised in Amarillo

2007-04-07T23:36:00.000-04:00

I want to be the guy who names paint colors.We recently painted most of our new condo, in preparation to move next week. Between Home Depot and the local paint store, My Lovely Wife and I took in hundreds of color samples from all over the spectrum. No longer are there just the simple ROY G BIV colors. Today's paint colors comes in all types:Edible: Eggshell, Avocado, Celery, ArtichokeEmotional:

What's In A Name, Part III

2007-04-05T09:34:00.000-04:00

Newspapers and Web sites with an "off beat news" section have been blowing up over this story in Sweden, where parents Michael and Karolina Tamaro are fighting to name their six-month old girl Metallica.To me, the most notable part of the story isn't that the parents wanted to name their child Metallica - there are far more perplexing, silly, and downright demoralizing names out there. What I

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2007-04-02T23:01:00.000-04:00

I'm too young to really remember flying as the grand experience it once was. I'm old enough to remember full meals served, ashtrays built into seats, and movies shown on a single screen in the front of coach, but for most of my life, I fly by Travelocity, not travel agent.I crossed into another era of air travel on Sunday, one that will linger for a while. I may be too young to remember flying as

Florida - America's Wang

2007-03-29T23:46:00.000-04:00

I'll be in Florida until Sunday night. I'm going to the beach, and you can't stop me.

Great! Grandparents

2007-03-28T14:39:00.000-04:00

I started to write about the inverse proportion of excitement to nervousness as you ascend the rungs of a family tree - and probably will finish that thought at one point - but decided that I'd rather write about Paul & Minnie. That's my grandfather and grandmother. That's my baby's great-grandfather and great-grandmother. My child will be Paul & Minnie's ninth great-grandchild. That's a starting

Oh God, What Have I Done? (Part I)

2007-03-28T11:31:00.000-04:00

"We own property together, now you can't get out."And with those comforting and sarcastic words, my wife and I ended a busy, busy day.As I mentioned in this breathless post, My Lovely Wife and I were set to purchase our first home, a condominium, where our future baby will grow and play and laugh and occasionally irritate the neighbors.Yesterday was the day. About 24 hours ago, my wife and I

This Week in Fatherhood

2007-03-26T13:21:00.000-04:00

"This Week in Fatherhood" publicizes and celebrates fathers across the globe. We laugh at their foibles, chuckle at their misfortune, and remind ourselves that there are no prerequisites to fatherhood. Let us all learn from their idiocy.If you're that concerned about his mom stealing money, cut off her hands, don't make the kid suffer.Sometimes, if your kid doesn't want to eat his vegtables, you

Really? Kids Do This?

2007-03-23T16:28:00.000-04:00

Part of my becoming a parent includes a bit of toughening up. While I know that I won't be able to prepare for every conceivable scenario, there are a few things I know that I can get ready to face: vomiting, spitting up, uncontrollable peeing, pooping, uncontrollable pooping, crying, screaming, spilling, convulsing, kicking, biting, clawing, pinching, throwing, hitting, frowning, but one that

How To Properly Trash-Talk a Baby

2007-03-22T10:26:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to blogger, basketball player, and all-around lovable scamp Gilbert Arenas. The Washington Wizard's second child, Alijah Amani Arenas, was born this week in Walnut Creek, California. In true Gilbert style, he has already laid down some smack to his infant son.I’m very excited...I was talking a little trash to him already. I told himhopefully he darkens up a little bit, because he

"The Culture of Intensive Mothering"

2007-03-21T10:30:00.000-04:00

The Washington Post ran a fascinating couple of stories yesterday about motherhood, fatherhood, and parenting in general. The main conclusion of the stories, which report on the conclusion of a 40+-year study by the University of Maryland, is that parents, and mothers in general, face "Mommy Guilt" about spending time with their children, despite the fact that today's mothers/parents spend more

The Best Show on Television

2007-03-20T14:30:00.000-04:00

Between work and moving preparations, there hasn't been much time to write lately. I do want to state, definitely and for the record, that the greatest show on television, ever, is "America's Funniest Home Videos." Apologies to the Lears, Wheadons, Abrams, and Burrows of the world, but AFV (as us insiders call it), is the finest show, ever. I am not kidding.Here is one of my favorite baby-related

This Week in Fatherhood

2007-03-18T09:12:00.000-04:00

"This Week in Fatherhood" publicizes and celebrates fathers across the globe. We laugh at their foibles, chuckle at their misfortune, and remind ourselves that there are no prerequisites to fatherhood. Let us all learn from their idiocy.When transitioning your baby from depending on breasts for food to leering at them for sport, be sure to stay sober.The family that grows together, goes

Can Baby Say, "Poor Clock Management Ruins Pre-Game Preparation?"

2007-03-13T23:16:00.000-04:00

I try not to discuss sports in great depth with my wife. She has two things working for her that make sports conversation challenging: an absolute ignorance of even the most basic rules of sports, and an unbelievable intelligence and sense of logic.Explaining not just the rules, but the strategies of sports becomes a mental exercise."So that team has four tries to go ten yards?""They are called

My Father's Day

2007-03-13T14:53:00.000-04:00

"My father died when he was 52.""How did he die?""Heart attack. His father died of a heart attack, too, he was in his early-70's"The above is verbatim dialogue from my doctor's appointment today. The death in question (my father's) was also today - nine years ago.Given the health concerns that prematurely felled my father, I suppose a doctor's appointment was an appropriate tribute.I'm doing fine

In Honor of March Madness

2007-03-13T11:15:00.000-04:00

It's the most wonderful time, of the year!Even the youngest among us get into college basketball during tournament season.Why I'm Glad I Married My College Sweetheart: Exhibit A (via Deadspin)Hey Kid, Santa Claus Ain't Real, Either1. Register for Day Care2. Complete Birth Certificate/Social Security Information3. Register for This Club

Modern Medicine Miracle

2007-03-11T21:51:00.000-04:00

"So, I was thinking about you dying..."Now, that is a conversation starter! And that is also how I greeted my wife this afternoon when she came home from a successful trip to the maternity clothing store.Funny thing about bringing a new life into the world. You think more about how you will depart. Things that seemed to be far off worries become sudden necessities: wills, godparents,

This Week in Fatherhood

2007-03-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

"This Week in Fatherhood" publicizes and celebrates fathers across the globe. We laugh at their foibles, chuckle at their misfortune, and remind ourselves that there are no prerequisites to fatherhood. Let us all learn from their idiocy.If you're enough of a jackass to beat a three-month old, you're probably enough of a jackass to think you can fool anyone with a lame cover story.Get used to it -

An(other) Open Letter To Tom Brady

2007-03-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Tom:Dude.I got nothing.Seriously, two chicks in four months?Sorry man, I got nothing.Best,SteveJeltzFan

Those Crazy Cravings

2007-03-07T23:44:00.000-05:00

I've gotten asked a few times, "So is your wife craving anything?". My immediate answer is no, no she is not. My wife isn't screaming for pickle ice cream or late night pasta with any regularity. In fact, as I alluded to in a previous post, she isn't craving one particular food. But she is craving. And she knows that her loving husband will scour the ends of the earth (or at least the walkable

Disgusting, Yet Hysterical

2007-03-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

Warning, do not watch this video if you are eating, have a sensitive stomach, or can't bear to see what little babies are capable of sptting up.**This appears to be taken from the best televlsion show, ever, "America's Funniest Home Videos." Seriously, Joss Weadon, J.J. Abrams, Aaron Sorkin, you are all hacks at entertaining compared to the general populace.

What's In a Name, Part II

2007-03-04T22:54:00.000-05:00

The book in front of me holds more than 50,000 names. From Aaliyah to Zyler. Somewhere, buried in these 582 pages, is my child's name. My Lovely Wife and I have already narrowed down our selections. We have two pages, one for each gender, of handwritten names. And no, you will not get to know what name we have chosen prior to birth; that way, should you choose (like I often do) to make fun of the

This Week in Fatherhood

2007-03-04T10:45:00.000-05:00

"This Week in Fatherhood" publicizes and celebrates fathers across the globe. We laugh at their foibles, chuckle at their misfortune, and remind ourselves that there are no prerequisites to fatherhood. Let us all learn from their idiocy.Ever set your coffee down on top of your car, so you have two free hands to load things in, but then forget about the coffee, drive off and spill it everywhere?

Regressing: And Loving It

2007-03-02T11:51:00.000-05:00

One of the things that excites me about being a father is that, in a sense, it will bring back my own childhood. Children, from the earliest age, have a serene naivete about them. It's a quality that we lose as we grow older and our imagination and awe gives way to realization and cynicism. Ray Romano, back in his stand-up days had a great example.Catching his three-year old daughter staring off

Embarrassing Stories From A Former Baby

2007-02-28T14:47:00.000-05:00

As the tag line atop this blog reads, I started writing and posting here as "blog therapy," a way for me to sort through the emotions, pressures, and unparalleled joys of becoming a first-time parent. I hope to one day share this site with my child, who will look at the Web page and laugh, much as I do when I see screen caps of accessing AOL at 14.4kps speed on Windows 3.1.But, until that time,

What's In A Name, Part I

2007-02-26T23:21:00.000-05:00

I've slipped into a bad habit lately, and I'm getting called out on it. Over the past few weeks, I've slipped into referring to my child as "he." It's entirely subconscious, but could be interpreted to mean that I'm "rooting" for one gender over the other. I'm not. It's just very difficult to refer to my child with the gender-neutral "it." Makes me think I'll be raising the villain of a Stephen

But First...

2007-02-25T13:01:00.000-05:00

It's snowing here!Winter's been pretty disappointing here in the nation's capital. Granted, we're only good for a really substantial snowfall every few years, but we usually get at least one storm of some accumulation. This year was pretty weak. About ten days ago we got hit with an icestorm which is more scary than pretty. But today? A fore casted "wintry mix" turned into a few inches (and

Pregnancy FAQ

2007-02-23T14:40:00.000-05:00

I love my family. I also love my friends. I tolerate my co-workers. While I do enjoy the sound of my own voice, I'm not a fan of repetition (don't lie, neither are you - I bet you don't repeat after lathering and rinsing).So, after answering the same set of questions over the past few months, I'm just going to compile them in a handy Pregnancy FAQ below. I am sure this will grow bigger in direct

This Week in Fatherhood

2007-02-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

"This Week in Fatherhood" publicizes and celebrates fathers across the globe. We laugh at their foibles, chuckle at their misfortune, and remind ourselves that there are no prerequisites to fatherhood. Let us all learn from their idiocy.NOTE: In the course of my daily Interneting, I came across this site: Parents Behaving Badly. They do the same thing I do here, except more frequently, much